Farsi GOOZIDAN BY BAHRAM SAGHARI

(reader discretion is advised)

Our native tongue of Farsi is a wonderfully rich language and colorfully expressive. Saying the same thing, we can be polite (Be Fa’r Maieed = please have a seat), neutral (Be Sheen = sit ), or rude (Be Tamarg = get your a. down). In fact, we can be poetic in our daily conversations. One of my recent discoveries is "Kaj Daar o’ mareez", which for the longest time, I thought “Mareez” meant “BeemMar” (sick or ill). In fact, I learned that "Mareez" was the more formal variation of "Na reez" (do not spill it). In other words, this very beautiful poetic expression means "Hold it tilted, don’t spill it!" It basically means “Be particularly careful” – you know, it is like in Cirque Du Soleil, “hold them by a toe, don’t drop them!”.

I am not going to get into detail about how long it took me to finally understand what “Adab ra Az Ke Amookhtee? Az Bee Adaban!!” (Who did you learn your manners from? The ill-mannered.) I guess years of misunderstanding this expression may have greatly contributed to my large Persian profane vocabulary! Although in our so called “peaceful” personal interactions we are commonly non-confronting and "taarof" plenty, and “Ghorboon Sadagheh” a lot, we have a very rich altercation language which is pretty boisterous, sarcastic at best. Our expressions and slang are loaded with hidden meanings applied to specific situations or effective in particular occasions. We have some of the nastiest, waist-bound, explicit expressions in any language.

In English, it is “F. You” and “Mother F'er” and that’s pretty much it. In Farsi, not only all relatives are dragged in from mother and sister to children, we also get pretty explicit and do not settle with a simple “Mother F'er”. No siree, we get pretty explicit and use both the genital and the action for the particular relative: “My … In your mother’s …” This is viciously explicit. Worse yet, Persian profanity is also compound. We never settle with just one category or just one word. We go for the throat to annihilate. I observed an argument between two grown men recently, visiting my childhood neighborhood in Tehran. One was at the window of a store on the second floor, the other was on the sidewalk, at the street level. The guy outside was shouting "Bee Ay BeeRoon, Khareto MiGam" (If you ever get down here, I will f. your sister).

"Khareto MiGam" = I will beat you up (Literal translation is I will f. your sister)

I never, understood what “Pedare Toe Dar MiYaram” (literal: I will bring out your dad) meant.

Out of what? Grave? Prison? Home? Trouble?

1. He is alive, free, and at the office with no trouble.

2. What does even taking out of grave mean anyway? Does anyone know?

My rudimentary research indicates that also, it is only in Farsi where we so clearly distinguish between Gooz and Choss – The Spaniards, the French (almost), and the Germans don’t. Choss generally indicates a silent slow fart (the silent killer), usually smelly. Gooz is the loud fart that usually has no or very little smell. And we do it for a reason: we have made powerful, loaded, I MEAN LOADED expressions with them:

Someone really short, whom we want to put down: "Ghad e’ Gooz" (as tall as a fart)

I didn’t even know fart had a height, or a duration to be used as a standard for height! You’ll see later, that it even has weight!

Example: Shoohare Belgheis khanoom ghadesh ghadeh goozeh, dahanesh ham boo goh mideh. (e.g. This was an example of compound profanity, please note the use of height, and bad breath in the same sentence, and how naturally it worked. It means: Mrs. Belgheis's husband is the height of a fart and his mouth stinks like shit)

Someone really dumb, or a pain in the neck, or a motor mouth: "Goozoo" (someone who farts)

Example: Naa baba, martike goozoo e ye. Zer ziad mizaneh. (e.g. Compound example again, though a little implicit: Martike & Goozoo & Zer – I guess by now you get my drift. This means: the a-hole is a goozoo and talks too much)

Falling down (tripping) silly: "Gooz Ma’lagh" (Fart somersault)

Example 1: Hamoon Shoohare Belgheis khanoom ke ghadesh ghadeh goozeh az pelleha oftad va gooz malagh shod.

Example 2: Rafteh boodam Kenareh Aab – Agha ye Moj e gondeh zad behem va gooz ma’lagh shodam.

Confused, dizzy, or nauseated: "Gooz peech" (e.g. Fart knots)

Example 1: Sare Emtehane Riazi, hesabee Gooz Peech shodam.

Example 2: Agha, Inn Ghadar SoAll Peach emoon kard, Gooz Peech shodeem.

Apparently, Gooz is also more dignified than Choss - I am guessing because Choss is SBD (silent, but deadly). Here is the glossary:

Someone crass (e.g. low class): "Chossoo" (Someone who farts – and I thought it was the most natural humanly conduct)

Example: Martike zaboon nafahm va chosoo e yeh. (e.g. Compound again. Means: The a-hole doesn't get it and he is a total farter)

Showing off and being snobbish: "Chosee" also "Chosee Aamadan"

Example: Inn Belgheis khanoom ma’r o kosht baske ba inn AnnGoshtaresh Chosee Oomad.

A tiny thing, or tiny portion used only as a very sarcastic reference: "Choss MessGha’l" (here is where fart, actually has a weight: we have 1 gram, 2 grams, and fart grams.)

Example: Choss mesghal goosht MiZaran ba ye kharVar berenj esmesh ro Mizaran CheloKabab! – or – Inn Belgheis khanoom yek angoshtare almas Chos Mesghalee gerefteh, kosht e maro. (you can also say Joone MaRo GeRefteh)

Don’t be silly, don’t be an ass: "Choss nakon" (e.g. Do not make yourself like a fart)

Example: Daram dars mikhoonam, khodeto choss nakon. ( I am studying, don't make yourself like a fart)

"Goh Khord" and "Goh Khordy" is of course the most commonly used to apologize or to emphasize someone’s wrong doing. This means eating shit. I love it when someone says “Agha, Che Gohee Khordeem in Karo kardeem”. (which shit did I eat to deserve this?) I always treat it as if it is a question and immediately reply: "Gohe mano khordi." (you ate my shit) And they always, unexceptionally respond: "Khodeto Chos nakon." (Don't be a fart.)

In fact, you can treat Gooz, Choss, and Goh as Wild Cards and remove any portion of anyone’s name or title, to use these words instead. A bad Doktor, is "Goh-Tor", Machine is "Goh-shin", Cell phone is "Chos-phone". My neighbor in Iran, arguing with my mom once referred to me as “GohRam”, and my sister as GohSaneh (e.g. Afsaneh) and my dad’s car as ChosVo (Volvo).

It is time to cut the shit and hit the bed.