Prologue:
Molly Maids, Naneh Youssef, va Ashraf khanoom:
Do you have Molly Maids? They are a
home custodial service organization, like what we had in
Iran 40-50 years ago except that instead of Esmeralda,
Yolanda, and Josephine, we had NaNeh Youssef, Ashraf, va
Belgheis Khanoom.
Unlike Yolanda, Naneh didn’t drive. She took two
buses to our house! Neither did she have a crew of 3-4
others, all arriving in a minivan. Naneh didn’t even
have a phone. If my mom forgot to make advance arrangements
with her to help out for a party, generally outside of
her regularly scheduled Wednesday visits, we would call
her neighbor, Esmat.
Esmat khanoom, who had a phone,
managed Naneh’s
schedule – I suspect she handled a few others like
Naneh. My mom, like all other Naneh’s clients, always
sent a little something every week for Esmat khanoom’s
dispatching services.
Naneh and Esmat Un-Incorporated were more reliable than
the American Social Security, less taxes than the IRS,
and more effective than Social Services!
As kids, when my sisters and I
were making up scary stories and characters, alongside
LooLoo KhorKhoreh va Derakoola,
va Jenn, va Aghaye Ex, Naneh was a regular. Her skinny “Abeleh-roo” [
smallpox ] face, with a scary Wizard of OZ bad witch like
laughter and a high pitched screechy voice, was topped
with a set of Dandoon Arieh that she would regularly take
out and snap them at us for absolutely no apparent reason,
which scared the living beejeezus out of us, and she would
laugh.
My younger sister would always
run to the rest of us “Okh
Okh – Naneh Oomad” [ Oh Oh Naneh is coming
] when Naneh was arriving - we would hide until we hear
my mom talking to her, which was a relief that for instance
she did not eat our mom, after which we would start cautiously
to come out.
In all fairness, she did help more passionately than
Esmeralda - I think she felt more obligated and worked
with more authority ... Not in a back breaking sense
- it was light work, you know, chores that my mom “Ho
Selash ro nadasht ke Anjam Bedeh” [ she did not
feel patient enough doing it ]. Naneh cleaned up the
bathrooms, Jaroo’ed [ Vacuumed ] the house, did
our laundry, did the dishes, Ootu [ Ironed ] our clothes,
and sometimes cooked. I still think my mom let Naneh
cook to piss off my dad, who adamantly refused to eat
Naneh’s food – “Inn vagheAnn Mess le
Estefragh e Bach-chas” [ this looks like a kid
has puked on it ], he would say. And it was - it even
tasted like it!
My dad always said drinking is
an art, well, after Naneh, I always knew cooking was
definitely not one in her book.
Speaking of drinking, Naneh loved our parties, probably
because she would gobble down a few large glasses of my
dad’s Vodka-lime pretending it was Sharbat e’ AbLimoo
[ lemonade ] - She was not just tipsy, but drunk by the
time the guests were arriving. When I told her, my mom
said: Naa Pesaram, Khastass [ I don’t think so, she’s
only tired! ] …
Ashraf khanoom was a Mostakhdem
[ Maid ] for an older couple down the street. They had
Maraz e’ Ghand [
were Diabetic ] – She helped other families in the
neighborhood to earn extra cash. About the same age as
Naneh, but her total opposite. Naneh was a motor mouth
and would talk non-stop. Ashraf khanoom hardly ever spoke.
Naneh was shorter, Ashraf Khanoom was considered pretty
tall. Naneh was very white and Ashraf khanoom was practically
black. Naneh only looked scary, but truthfully all of us
kids were afraid of Ashraf khanoom for their lives.
Naneh always laughed at her own non-sense stories, Ashraf
khanoom religiously never laughed. She reminds me of Barbara
Walters whose skin after repeated facelifts has become
so tight that she can no longer laugh (oops Ms. Walters,
I thought the cluster of hair on your chin was your beard!).
Ashraf khanoom, in a Ninja Turtle style, always pulled
up her chador around her legs and tied it behind her neck.
It covered her body and her hair, yet amazingly, it did
not get in her way of doing her chores - remember Ghamar
Khanoom the sitcom? Like that.
She was Ninja Ashraf Khanoom!!
She would carry two 40-50 liter
HUGE barrels of Naft, the ones those painful skinny ring
handles, from Naftee
to her house, everyday – this always reminded me
of “Bahram e Goor va Kanizak who carried a Cow to
the top of the stairs on her shoulders, remember that story?” <ask
me and I will send it to you – It is one of my favorites>.
Well, we inherited Naneh’s services from my grandmother
and when we moved to Amirieh, Naneh’s services moved
with us, more efficiently forwarded than our phone or postal
mail. We couldn’t just fire Naneh when we moved.
No one ever fires PMMs.
PMMs (Persian Molly Maids) are life long contracts and
in a casted way (Tabaghe Bandi dar Jame-eh), consistent
with our Persian and Zoroastrian ancestry, PMMs become
sort of members of the family, of lower grade of course.
They receive all the hand me downs or other extras, including
left over fresh food after parties during which they helped.
Although my mom told the neighbors
that Naneh was my dad’s
cousin [ “Dokhtar Khale ye Baba’m” ]
to damage control why we did not utilize Ashraf khanoom’s
services, we did not exactly succeed. This territorial
issue between Naneh and Ashraf khanoom did spill throughout
the neighborhood. It was like being fans of opposing football
teams, or like Republicans and Democrats or like Eslamy
ha va Shah parastan: enemies for life!
My dad always complained to my
mom: “Khoshgel tar
az inn peyda nakardi ke Dokhtar Khale ye Ma bokoni”?
Chera nagofti Dokhtar Khale ye Khodeteh? [couldn’t
you find someone better looking to make my cousin? Why
didn’t you say she is your own cousin?] And I remember
my mom: “Chon Naneh Khooneh Mamanam kaar mikoneh,
va oona maman e man o mishenasand, nagoftam Naneh famile
mast.” [Because she works at my mom’s and they
know my mom, I didn’t say she is our relative]
Ooona who? The neighbors? My grandmother’s
neighbors? Who were Ooona? I never understood it and
my dad never
bought it!
Anyway, we were cursed for life
for supporting the opposing team – Do you know much about dogs and their AlphaMale
characteristics? Similarly, Ashraf khanoom would say hi
only to my dad, and would never acknowledge my mom, or
the rest of us - only my dad, her cousin! Yes … We
were the victims of the clash of the PMMs.
My mom and Khanoom Esfahani, our immediate neighbor to
the left, and Khanoom HezarKhani, our neighbor across the
alley, would never mingle and would reluctantly say hi
to each other, because of it. We used to call Khanoom HezarKhani
Khanoom e HezarLayee [ Thousand layers ], when we grew
older and learned to Fohsh [curse], we called her Khanoom
Hezar Kani [ Thousand asses ].
Although we never did, my mom would always refer to Khanoom
Esfahani as Khanoom Esfahanee ye gooz. a practical application
of sarcastic gooz in our language.
We were afraid of Naneh because
she was not pretty and she looked scary – At 6,
and because of all the horror stories kids in the streets
had told me, I was deeply afraid
of Ashraf khanoom - I always thought she was going to beat
me up for no reason at all, kill me, and drain my oil!
I had therefore decided to avoid her, for eternity, at
all costs, which was not easy. (did your parents tell you
about BachCheh Dozd ha and how they would Roghan et Ro
MeKeshan?)
You see - I was the boy in my family and boys in my neighborhood
(except for Amir AmirKhani) did all the daily shoppings:
My dad bought Goosht [meat], and big bulks like bags and
bags of rice va Zaffaroon [Saffron]. I bought the daily
fresh Noone [bread], va Sabzi [vegetables] va PeeYaz [onions]
va Labaniat [dairy] such as Maast [yogurt] va Kareh [butter]
va Paneer [cheese] va Zard Choobeh [
Although I had modified my route
many times, I was bound to bump into Ashraf khanoom and
I frequently did. For instance,
when buying bread, I escaped running into her in the mornings
by buying Noone e Barbari or Noone e Taftoon for breakfast,
I could not avoid her at noon or in the evenings at NooneVaii
Sangaki. I was the Persian inspiration for Macaulay Culkin’s
scared look in Home Alone, every time I ran into Ashraf
khanoom …
Well … Enough of Naneh va
Ashraf khanoom. Stay tuned for Jaffar e harrom zadeh
next.
Sadegh, Shahnaz’s sister once beat up Jaffar – He
never beat me, Shahnaz did.
(stay tuned for Part II of Molly Maids)
